Loneliness

I think that's the hardest part about living up here.  The loneliness.  Especially when Jaxon's in bed and I'm stuck here all alone.  Tried calling the few people that I could maybe hang out with but its a humbling thing when you realize that you only have a few people to call.  And you've been here over 4 years.  Jesus.  And its not just in the being alone in this apartment.  Its being alone in everyday life up here.  I don't fit in here.  I'm a Yankees fan and am beyond crushed by what happened Thursday night.  Have quite possibly lost my relationship that means so much to me as a result of how hard I took it.  Then, the next night, as if God is just rubbing my face in Yankee/Mark Lawrence failure, the team down the street hits a walk-off to win Game 5 and move on.  Not one other Yankee fan in sight to commiserate with.  And probably not a girlfriend anymore to make me feel just a little bit better.  I went to school at Oklahoma State University.  Not only do I stew around on Saturdays while all of my friends are back home at the game tailgating, I can't find the game on TV.  Ever.  Not even in most bars.  Unless we are on ESPN, then there is a shot.  Otherwise, I rely on texts from my friends at the game and/or whatever cell phone app.  I just don't fit in here.  I piss people off constantly without meaning to.  Imagine that.  Thinking you're rolling along making people laugh and out of nowhere completely offend somebody for literally nothing.  (Side note - I've definitely done my fair share of pissing people off being a retarded jackass.  I'm talking about good natured jokin around out of nowhere pissing people off).  I'm like Dexter I think trying so hard to connect with people up here and they just flat out do not like me.  I blow it every time.  Well, not every time.  Quite a bit, I think, its the people up here that won't let me in.  And I miss my home so much.  And I miss my New York so much.  Especially now that I've screwed up yet another good relationship.

Each of you reading this, I want you to put yourself in a hypothetical.  Think of one of your kids if you have em, a dog if you have one, whatever.  Something you love dearly.  Now imagine what it would be like to have to live 800 miles away from your home where literally your entire family lives and the vast majority of your true friends live to be this kid/dog's parent the best you know how.  Now, imagine what it would be like to only be allowed to see that kid/dog 4 days out of every 14, every other Christmas, every other Thanksgiving, and 3 lone weeks spread throughout the year so you can take the kid/dog back to the home you love so much.  Then, add that your in debt up to your eyeballs and couldn't even afford to go home a month ago when you had the week off and had custody of the kid/dog to take them home.  Add that you get visited by your Mom once a year and your Dad once a year.  No visits from friends or other family, understandably so.  Add all that to what you just read in paragraph 1 and then tell me what the FUCK am I supposed to do?